8 Conversation Topics for the USA’s World Cup Game

The USA's World Cup match is only hours away, and many Americans are gathering together in homes across the country to watch and cheer together. Are you one of the millions of American’s who love soccer for one month every four years? Do you believe in bald eagles, apple pie, and good ol’ fashioned freedom, but struggle to understand what constitutes a 4-2-3-1 formation? Are you secretly nervous about making yourself seem fútbol illiterate in front of your friends? Well then have no fear, because below are the 8 perfect conversation topics for American soccer fans who don’t really know that much about soccer. #IBelieve

1. Question Jurgen Klinsmann’s loyalty to the United States

        

Without any additional commentary, I’m going to offer the following points…Jurgen Klinsmann was born in Goppingen, West Germany. Klinsmann won the 1990 World Cup as part of West Germany’s football team. He managed the German team to a third-place finish in the 2006 World Cup. He is now coaching the USA’s World Cup Team that has only one loss so far in the tournament. And guess who that loss was to…GERMANY! Again, these are just the facts. You might want to bring them up around the chip and salsa table if the United States of Freedom find themselves behind in the game. (For the record, I love Klinsmann. He’s looks like the team dad).

2. Ask where Landon Donovan is at least three times

        

Whenever America finds itself in a tight spot in the World Cup, at least us fans can rest easy knowing our country’s all-time leading World Cup goal scorer will be there to…OH WAIT I FORGOT! Landon Donovan, he of three 2010 World Cup goals including the most famous shot in American history, has been left off the team. Donovan recently mentioned to ESPN that he had some sour grapes about being left off the team, saying “inside, part of me was thinking, I hope the game doesn’t go very well today.” He later admitted how “crappy” of an attitude that was, and cheered on the Red, White, and Blue like the true American hero he is. Make sure to tell all your friends about how you think he should have remained on the team, it will only strengthen your Jurgen-Klinsmann-is-not-loyal argument.

3. Discuss the intricacies of the offsides penalty

         For many Americans, the offsides penalty is a completely foreign concept. Getting behind the defense is seen as a clever strategy in basketball and American football, so when we see a player get called for a penalty for cherry-picking, Americans get a free pass for being confused. And Americans aren’t the only ones who have trouble understanding the offsides, as many of the sideline referees struggle as well. So if Clint Dempsey gets called back after scoring a wide open goal for an offside, make sure to make a huge fuss about it. Don’t even worry about what you’re saying about it either, because chances are even FIFA doesn’t completely understand the offside.

4. Complain about the referees missing a flop

        

On Sunday, Mexico was eliminated in stoppage time after Arjen Robben won an Oscar for his flopping performance in the penalty box. Many people like to make the flopping comparison between the NBA and soccer, but there is no way LeBron and company can compete. I swear soccer players practice getting shot in warm-ups just to get ready for the game. But there is really no blaming them for their actions. The reward for a flop in the penalty box is a free shot at the goal, while the cost is mere death glares from the opposing team. The referees have seemed to be especially atrocious at calling these flops penalties this year. While watching the game it will be very important to complain about how the one referee missed the call while having to control the entire field by himself.

5. Wonder aloud about the population disparity between Belgium and the U.S.A.

         Some more very interesting facts: According to FiveThirtyEight.com, Belgium has a 59% chance of winning against the USA. Beligum also has a population of only 11 million people. The United States has a population of 313 million people.

Based on these facts, the following questions are appropriate for watching the game: Does Belgium have some soccer player producing technology America doesn’t have? Is it possible for us to steal this kind of technology? And is it too late to teach Kevin Durant, Richard Sherman, and Andrew McCutchen to play soccer?

6. Interrogate anyone not dressed in full red, white, and blue

        

This is both the most important conversation to have and the least soccer related topic. While watching our boys spread democracy to the soccer pitch, our only job is to cheer them on in our full red, white, and blue gear. I’m talking face paint, sweatbands, American flags, and imitation bald eagles. Although it has yet to be scientifically studied, I’m positive there is a strong correlation between how much of a fan’s body is covered in the colors of freedom and how well their soccer team plays. If a friend walks into your house wearing last year’s Fourth of July t-shirt and some work pants, please let them know the fate of this country rests on their team spirit. Then, either kick them out of the house or end the friendship, whichever you deem more appropriate.

7. Simultaneously hope for and worry about penalty kicks

         Whenever your team is the underdog, penalty kicks are a generally welcome gift. They turn the game from an uphill battle to a completely random level playing field. Timmy Howard is an upper echelon goalie, and Americans should be happy if the game goes to PKs. However, judging by the USA’s late game performances in their last two matches (Jurgen alert), and never having gone into World Cup penalties before, penalty kicks seem like a good time to COMPLETE LOSE YOUR MIND! Definitely freak out if this happens, simultaneously trying to calm yourself down while punching the nearest pillow as hard as you can. Don’t be afraid to bring this up penalty kicks if the game is tied going into stoppage time, and make sure to blame Obama whichever way the game goes.

8. Go on Learnivore.com and search for a real soccer instructor

If you really want to impress your friends during the soccer game, visit Learnivore.com and check out a real soccer instructor there. Learnivore is a 100% free platform that allows instructors in the Arts, Academics, and Athletics market themselves to students. Check out my profile here at https://learnivore.com/instructors/youth-basketball-coach and make your profile today!