(Editor's Note: This article was written for Westmont College's newspaper a week before the playoffs began, and before the playoff seedings were complete.)
The
playoffs are here, and it only took the league 82 games to whittle the field
down from 30 to 16. These sixteen teams are at various stages in the basketball
world, as some as of the teams are just happy to be here, while others are in
championship-or-bust mode. We are going to run a quick ranking of the final
teams, as organized by Westmont College’s favorite (and only) dining service. Here are the
Sodexo Sixteen, ordered by their chances of actually winning the 2014 NBA
Finals.
The Panini
16. Atlanta Hawks
15. Charlotte Bobcats
14. Washington Wizards
They’ve proved they were good teams during the regular season, capable
of winning games and beating good teams. But once these teams reach the
playoffs (or the final month of the semester), they will disappear without any
mention of them again. It’s sad, because these three teams had some great
moments, and with a little pesto and tomato made a great Panini, but
unfortunately we won’t be seeing anymore of them this year.
The Breakfast
Burrito
13. Golden State Warriors
12. Dallas Mavericks
11. Memphis Grizzlies/Phoenix Suns
(TBD)
How delicious, yet fleeting. These teams have all submitted terrific
seasons, winning close to 50 games in the ultra-tough Western Conference. But
what makes their record so impressive will also be their demise. In the
ridunkulous West, you have to be insanely good for even a chance to make it to
the Finals. Think of it like the Sodexo breakfast burritos—they’re so tasty, so
delightful, but they’re only offered during class-and-chapel conflicting times.
These are resilient teams with bright futures, but they are in the wrong
conference for success.
The Tater Tot
Casserole
10. Portland Trail Blazers
9. Chicago Bulls
8. Houston Rockets
The pros and cons of these two teams are so vast, it’s hard not to be
reminded of fried potato nuggets with melted cheese. With the Bulls, the
psychotic defensive effort of Tom Thibodeau and Joakim Noah were enough to guarantee this team the four seed, but the stagnant offense will eventually be their
downfall. This is the person whom refuses themself the pure joy that comes from
Tater Tot casserole, only because they want their arteries to last past thirty.
The Trail Blazers and Rockets (especially with the injured Patrick Beverley)
are on the opposite end, praying to the analytics-god that their hyper-efficient
offense can outlast their porous defense. Kind of like how I hope my heart can
outlast the creamy deity we call Tater Tot Casserole.
The [Insert Assorted
Adjectives] Chicken
7. Toronto Raptors
6. Brooklyn Nets
They may look and sound different, but we really know how this is
going to turn out. The Raptors and Nets are good bets to get out of the first
round (or another Sunday pasta bar), but they’re not good enough to get you
excited. Whether Garnett, Pierce, Williams, and Johnson prove to be Chicken
Parmesan (#chickychickyparmparm) with the Nets, or Derozan, Lowry, and the stumbling insane asylum that is Hansbrough turn out to be Chipotle BBQ, these
teams aren’t going anywhere.
The Risotto Bar
5. Los Angeles Clippers
4. Indiana Pacers
So many decadent options here, so much opportunity! The sun-dried
tomatoes, Roy Hibbert’s verticality, alfredo sauce, and Paul-to-Griffin alley-oops…this
season/risotto bar has it all. But, there’s something that bothers you about
them. For the Clippers, maybe it’s Chris Paul never advancing to the Conference
Finals, or Blake Griffin history of injuries around playoff time. For the
Pacers, it could be the disintegration of their defensive identity, or their
9-13 record to close out the season. For the Risotto bar, it could be the gases
in your stomach you try to hold in during class. These are great teams, and it
would be no surprise if they won the championship, but you’re always a little
skeptical until they prove it.
The Pesto Pizza
3. Oklahoma City Thunder
2. Miami Heat
The two best players in the world surrounded by an athletic sidekick
guard and sweet shooting big man. They have all the ingredients in the world to
win a championship—Durant’s MVP season, the Heat winning the past two titles,
and pesto. But questions arise, as they inevitably should. Will Scottie Brooks
continue to be an incompetent head coach? Has three seasons of 110-plus games
and an Olympics slow down LeBron? Why don’t they serve Pesto Pizza every other
day? These questions will be answered, and most likely in late June.
The Mac & Cheese
1.
San Antonio Spurs
You know who
they are, and you aren’t even the slightest bit surprised to see them here
again. After being so painstakingly close to winning it all last season, the
Spurs are hungrier than ever. Just like the gooey goodness, expect the Spurs to
come back for seconds—and finish it off this time.
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