NBA Finals According to Napoleon Dynamite

The rematch of one of the most tightly contested NBA Finals ever begins tonight, and there are too many storylines to count. Can Duncan and the Spurs win their 5^th title and officially be dubbed the Greatest Franchise Post-Jordan? Will LeBron and the Heat three-peat and cement their legacy? Will the Spurs be able to overcome last year’s agonizing Finals defeat, or could this be their last run at the title during the Duncan era?

Coincidentally, Napoleon Dynamite will be celebrating his 10-year anniversary next week. The great philosopher that he is, Napoleon was able to procure some terrific quotes that can help us understand the players that could swing this year’s NBA Finals. Here are the 5 players who will determine the 2014 NBA Finals, according to Napoleon. Gosh!

Boris Diaw

Napoleon: “I see you're drinking 1%. Is that cause you think you're fat? Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.”

When the San Antonio Spurs signed the three Boris’ in 2012 (Diaw and his two man-boobs), they probably weren’t expecting him to play such an integral role in their 2014 championship campaign. The slimmed-down Diaw has come up huge in the playoffs so far for the Spurs, averaging 19.5 ppg and 5.0 rpg on 57%/63%/71% shooting (FG/3FG/FT) in the final two wins against Oklahoma City. More importantly, the spacing he has provided the Spurs on offense has opened up lanes for Parker on the pick-and-roll, as well as Duncan in the post.

Diaw’s versatility on defense is vital for the Spurs against the Heat. The Spurs like to play with two traditional big men at the posts, but when the Heat play small ball, the Spurs get blitzed on defense. Diaw has the quick feet to stay with players like Rashard Lewis, Shane Battier, and LeBron James (in a pinch), but also the girth to punish those same players in the post. How Diaw is able to play his crucial roles on both ends of the floor will be essential to the Spurs success.

Don’t let the haters get to you Boris. You keep drinking all the whole milk you want.

Mario Chalmers

Napoleon: “Is that what you're trying to do. Ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot!”

We may never know what the LeBron, Wade, and Bosh are yelling at Mario Chalmers, but a safe bet would be something like that last quote. The perpetual younger brother of the Miami Heat, Chalmers may be constantly getting criticized, but he holds the keys for a Heat victory. Despite being only 6’1’’, Chalmers has the bulk and wingspan of a player much bigger. On defense, his size gives him the advantage over tiny Tony Parker and Patty Mills, the two point-of-attack guards for the Spurs. If Chalmers is able to stay in front of them, his defense could completely disrupt what the Spurs are trying to do on the offensive end.

On offense, Chalmers will disappear for games at a time, only to reappear as Super Mario and drop 20 points. In last year’s Finals, Chalmers averaged 14.8 points in Heat victories, and only 5.0 in their losses. Miami’s Big 3 will get their points in every game, but as their kid brother goes, so go the Heat.

Manu Ginobili

Kid on the Bus: “What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?”

Napoleon: “Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!”

When the Spurs come to mind, you think of a flowing offense, one that adheres to strict principles set by Hall of Fame Coach Gregg Popovich. Crisp passing, timely screens, and a strong sense of self-control are demanded at all times.

Well Manu Ginobili takes the court and does whatever the heck feels like he wants to do.

The longtime creative soul of the Spurs, Ginobili has amazed and antagonized fans with his free-spirited game. He’ll come down on a fastbreak and dribble between his defender’s legs on the way to a Eurostep finish, only to rocket a pass into the 12^th row on the next possession. Last year in the Finals, Ginobili played awful, only averaging 11.6 ppg, shooting 25% from deep and averaging over 3 turnovers/game. But in the Western Conference Finals, he turned back into Marvelous Manu, making half his threes on his way to 15.0 ppg. Even more impressive, he made the biggest shot of the series in Game 6, all while taking over point guard duties when Parker went down.

Depending on which Manu shows up could very well swing this entire series. Either way though, Manu is going to do what he wants.

Dwyane Wade

Rex: “At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?”

The man with the most often misspelled name is also on the forefront of the NBA’s new fashion wave, dressing like Peter Pan more often than the majority of us would ever dare. But Wade forgot the first rule of Rex Kwan Do, and left LeBron to fly solo far too many times in the Finals last year. Wade’s left knee caused him to perform inconsistently, limiting him to alternating stretches of looking like Wade of old and a present day Kip.

This year is different though, as Coach Spoelstra and the Heat have put Wade on a strict regiment of rest and therapy in order to get him ready for this specific situation. Wade has provided the perfect buddy system thus far for LeBron, and seems geared to produce at a high level against the Spurs. But knee injuries are always scary with the athletic demands of the NBA, and one wrong step can force Wade out of the series. But if the former NBA Finals MVP can play like he is used to, the Heat will be the favorites to Rex Kwan Three Peat.

R.C. Buford

Pedro: “Vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true.”

So he’s not a player, but he may have more of an impact on this year’s Finals than anyone else. The Spurs General Manager, Buford has given San Antonio one of the more versatile and potent benches in the NBA, something that could prove to be a huge advantage over Miami’s aging second unit. Nine of the Spur’s (including the majority of their bench) comes from outside the United States, a tribute to Buford’s ability to recognize talent and provide Popovich with an arsenal of basketball weapons.

Exactly zero of the Spurs starters played more than 30 minutes per game during the course of the regular season, giving the bench unit plenty of experience in order to be ready for their rematch against the Heat. Marco Belinelli, Patty Mills, Matt Bonner (along with the previously mentioned Ginobili and Diaw), are good enough to start for most other teams, but Buford’s ability to bring them to San Antonio’s bench gives them a marked advantage over Miami.

Buford was voted GM of the Year for the first time, which is unthinkable given the Spurs' consistent excellence. Maybe this year all of their wildest dreams will come true.

Prediction

Napoleon Dynamite:” Why do you got your hood on like that?”

Pedro: “Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.”

Napoleon Dynamite: “I know what you mean.”

It wasn’t his hair that was making Pedro hot. It was the Miami Heat wave sweeping through. When it comes to the playoffs, the safest bet is to pick the best player in the series and see what else happens. LeBron James is the best player in the world, and he’ll play like it. Heat in 7.